


Melanie is on her way to steal your girl

by smuttyshitposting



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Asexual Character, F/F, Troll Melanie, sex mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-02 18:52:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21166385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smuttyshitposting/pseuds/smuttyshitposting
Summary: "Melanie, telling me that you had sex with my ex-girlfriend is not a statement."Melanie has an... inventive way of trying to help Jon with his hunger.





	Melanie is on her way to steal your girl

**Author's Note:**

> Hello I am back to shitposting.

“And Georgie screamed, her legs on either side of my head, shaking while she-”

“Melanie.”

“And afterwards, when she caught her breath, she said I was the best she’d ever had and-”

“_Melanie_.”

“And then-”

“Melanie! Stop!” Jon said, rather desperately.

Melanie gave a rather smug look back across the table at him. Jon looked mildly frazzled, eyes wide and pleading.

“I haven’t even gotten to the strap-ons yet,” Melanie said.

“I am _begging_ you,” Jon said. “Do you want money? I can probably get you money.”

“I thought you needed statements,” Melanie said innocently.

Jon took a deep, laboured breath.

“Is that what- Melanie, telling me that you had sex with my ex-girlfriend is not a statement,” Jon said.

“You sure?”

“What even is this?!” Jon said. “Is it a power thing? Yeah, you probably are better in bed than me, I’m asexual, we never did that. See, I can admit it, _please_ stop talking about it.”

“I’m just trying to help,” Melanie said. “You want to not feed on people. You can’t get into my dreams while we work here, it’s a story, I don’t have to relive any trauma, seems like a win. You wanted a work-around.” 

Jon took another deep breath.

“One,” he said. “That’s still not a statement. Two, no entities were involved so it doesn’t count. Three, I still don’t need to hear about her favorite number of fingers, I just _don’t_. Are we done?”

Melanie eyed him contemplatively. Then she smiled.

“I’ve got you,” she said.

Jon paused.

“You… have?” he said.

“Absolutely,” Melanie said. “Statement ends.”

Rather bewildered, Jon watched her get up and walk away. Huh. That was… easier than he’d expected.

* * *

Jon’s mood plummeted when he saw Melanie waiting in the recording room again. With her recent focus on opposing the Institute, she’d started getting her kicks where she could, even when that meant getting in the way of everything. _Especially_ when that meant getting in the way.

In theory, he couldn’t blame her. The Institute was evil. Being bound to it wasn’t necessarily fun, so Melanie looking for ways to enjoy herself was understandable. He just wished it meant less of… this.

“Hi,” Melanie said brightly.

“Hello Melanie,” Jon said wearily, sitting down.

“I’d like to make a statement,” she said.

“Not again,” he said.

“Real one,” she said. “Has an entity and everything. Wrote it up for you.”

She tapped a couple of sheets of paper on the desk. Jon paused.

“An actual encounter with a fear?” he said.

“Yup,” Melanie said.

“And not just you telling me that my ex prefers you?” Jon said.

“There’s an entity,” Melanie said.

Jon stared at her uncertainly. Then inhaled, looking down. Okay, maybe she was contributing something.

“Alright,” Jon said.

He cleared his throat, fumbling for a tape recorder as he turned the pages around to face him.

“Statement of Melanie King, concerning... concerning a threesome with the Distortion. Melanie. _No_.”


End file.
